They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
