It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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