I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
