the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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