Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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