If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
