he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
