My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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