Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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