Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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