I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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