I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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