Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Acid is not a monday night drug
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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