I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize