Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize