matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
