I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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