can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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