remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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