I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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