I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
