Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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