I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
