Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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