Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Everyone says I win the strip club
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
