so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize