I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
