I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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