After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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