i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
