Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
not ubering you a puppy
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
