Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
