turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
