you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
