i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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