my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
