I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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