I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
