is your mom at the bar?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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