the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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