just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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