i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
