By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
