dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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