so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
