I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
