you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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