If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize