Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
