We named our party play list daddy issues
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
