I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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