Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Randomize
