just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
