I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
