Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
