just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
