I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
