If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
